Being tight with a sibling can be a huge blessing — they’re like a built-in friend for life. But if you have a toxic relationship with your siblings, you might feel like you’re stuck with a frenemy. Just because someone is related to you doesn't automatically make them a positive part of your life. Everyone wants a good relationship with their family, but if you feel like crap after every interaction, you might want to look out for some signs you have toxic siblings. Chances are, if your browser history includes a toxic sibling quiz, or you’re often asking yourself, “Are these signs my sister is jealous of me?” or “Is my brother disappointed in me?” the relationship you have with your sibs needs some attention.
"The things that make a sibling toxic are the same things that make a friend toxic — only with a sibling, it's even harder to separate yourself from the drama," says therapist Jill Whitney, LMFT. "Toxic people consistently make you feel worse about yourself in an unhealthy way. Some siblings might give honest, kind feedback that kind of stings or might make you feel bad in comparison because they've made different choices that have worked well for them. Those are not toxic situations. They're just uncomfortable information that you might learn from."
According to Liz Higgins, LMFT-S, founder of Millennial Life Counseling, there are three things that puts a behavior in the realm of toxic: It’s consistent, ongoing, and intrusive. “Identifying toxicity in sibling relationships may feel difficult, especially if there is a historical nature to the unhealthy or abusive dynamics,” she tells Bustle. “People can sometimes grow up in abusive or less than ideal family dynamics but go their whole life feeling it was ‘normal’ and living in acceptance of it because, as children, you don't know any differently.” It’s worth noting that toxic behavior isn’t necessarily abusive, but it is manipulative and can be draining to be around.
Brothers and sisters can cause as much strife in your life as friends or coworkers, and sometimes it can be hard to take a step back because of your familial obligations. Everyone has to find the right way to deal with their unhealthy family relationships, but the first step is identifying that your sibling is causing harm to your life. Here are 14 signs that your sibling is toxic.
It’s not always easy to see the signs someone might be manipulating you. According to Whitney, you can look at the kinds of positions your sibling puts you in and how they make you feel. "A toxic sibling might borrow money to resolve crisis after crisis and make you feel bad if you say no,” she says. "Sometimes, these people have an addiction. They may constantly need money for food or rent because they've spent their money on something else, and you wouldn't be so mean and selfish that you won't help them out in their time of need, would you? It's hard not to help, even when your gut is telling you that more help is really enabling."
Your siblings likely know a lot more about you than the average person, but that doesn't mean they have the right to share it. In a healthy sibling relationship, secrets are not for sale. With toxic siblings, “secrets are weaponized” and used to “keep you on your toes,” Friedman says.
"If your sibling often tells other people private things about you, you can't trust them," says Whitney. And while you might be inclined to dole out second and third chances, this behavior is evidence that the relationship is lacking loyalty. If this is the case, Whitney says to "give them as little personal information as possible."
Toxic siblings will do anything they can to take advantage of you. “For instance,” offers Chlipala, “if they know you’re a people pleaser who has a hard time saying no, they will keep badgering you until you finally cave. They might even tell other family members about your weaknesses so that they can take advantage of you, too.” They know you won’t stick up for yourself and will guilt-trip you into getting what they want.
Whether you want to address the relationship together in family therapy or alone with a personal therapist, there are ways to heal and move forward.
Studies:
Rogers, C. R., Lee, T. H., Fry, C. M., & Telzer, E. H. (2021). Where You Lead, I Will Follow: Exploring Sibling Similarity in Brain and Behavior During Risky Decision Making. Journal of research on adolescence : the official journal of the Society for Research on Adolescence, 31(1), 34–51.
Rogers, C. R., McCormick, E. M., van Hoorn, J., Ivory, S. L., & Telzer, E. H. (2018). Neural correlates of sibling closeness and association with externalizing behavior in adolescence. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, 13(9), 977–988.
Iturralde, E., Margolin, G., & Spies Shapiro, L. A. (2013). Positive and Negative Interactions Observed Between Siblings: Moderating Effects for Children Exposed to Parents' Conflict. Journal of research on adolescence : the official journal of the Society for Research on Adolescence, 23(4), 10.1111/jora.12020.
Song, J. H., Volling, B. L., Lane, J. D., & Wellman, H. M. (2016). Aggression, Sibling Antagonism, and Theory of Mind During the First Year of Siblinghood: A Developmental Cascade Model. Child development, 87(4), 1250–1263.
Morgan, J. K., Shaw, D. S., & Olino, T. M. (2012). Differential susceptibility effects: the interaction of negative emotionality and sibling relationship quality on childhood internalizing problems and social skills. Journal of abnormal child psychology, 40(6), 885–899.
Jensen, A. C., Whiteman, S. D., & Fingerman, K. L. (2018). "Can't live with or without them:" Transitions and young adults' perceptions of sibling relationships. Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43), 32(3), 385–395.
Kramer, K. L., Veile, A., & Otárola-Castillo, E. (2016). Sibling Competition & Growth Tradeoffs. Biological vs. Statistical Significance. PloS one, 11(3), e0150126.
Tucker, C. J., & Finkelhor, D. (2015). The state of interventions for sibling conflict and aggression: A systematic review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 18(4), 396–406.
Stocker, C. M., Gilligan, M., Klopack, E. T., Conger, K. J., Lanthier, R. P., Neppl, T. K., O'Neal, C. W., & Wickrama, K. (2020). Sibling relationships in older adulthood: Links with loneliness and well-being. Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43), 34(2), 175–185.
Buist, K. L., Deković, M., & Prinzie, P. (2013). Sibling relationship quality and psychopathology of children and adolescents: a meta-analysis. Clinical psychology review, 33(1), 97–106.
Experts:
Jill Whitney, LMFT
Christene Lozano, LMFT
Dawn Friedman, LCSW
Liz Higgins, LMFT-S and founder of Millennial Life Counseling
Anita Chlipala, LMFT, author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple’s Guide to Lasting Love
